I’ve been working too much but realized how much I love saying, “I’ve been working too much.” And also actually really enjoy working too much because as much as I berate it- I fucking love capitalism. Capitalism is my lived value.

I can say how much it fucks everything over (it does.) How it destroys and oppresses lives (it does). How it has fostered this “workaholic” culture (it has). But until I actually stop supporting it with the way I live my life, do my words mean anything?

And the truth of it is: when I am overworking, I don’t have to think about things I don’t want to. I don’t have to feel things I don’t want to, because I’m too busy working. And then I also feel able to give myself things I wouldn’t normally give myself. Like, (lol) buying shit, because oh i’m so busy, i don’t have time to make dinner. Or whatever.

(it is a self-perpetuating machine, you know, the more you work the more you buy which enforces your need to keep working relentlessly.)

It is difficult work leaving the system that you were baptized in.

But also, it is not linear.

Somedays (months? years?) I feel very entrenched in the system. And others, I can just float out of its values as though they never effected me in any way.

My point is: both worlds exist concurrently.