when i turn 30 I’ll feel secure about everything

I think it was mostly a joke. I’ll never feel secure about everything, but it was comforting to imagine a world in which I did. I think more realistically, when I turn 30 I’ll feel secure about… more things.

This title of my EP came from the the 6th song in the record, “Who Cares?” which I sat down to write about a half of an hour before leaving for work at my bartending job in Columbus, Ohio. I was at the piano. It was cold. I was cold, wearing a blanket like a dress. I was nauseous, which was common for me at the time because of the anxiety which permeated my life at the time. I was in the middle of doing my mental gymnastics warm-up routine before work– talking myself up, or down, whatever I needed to walk through the door.

This was the theme of my life at the time. Feeling insecure and giving myself pep talks to hide it.

I talked to Cassy Kolsar about this in a conversation for her beautiful ‘zine last autumn.

There are two veins of insecurity I was thinking about. The insecurity of not being able to say who you are or what you need or don’t want. And then that insecurity is amplified by actual insecurity: if I say what I need will I lose my job? Not having the monetary security to be able to walk away from a bad situation.

It does change as you get older. You realize that you want to lose the people in your life who judge you or don’t make room for you to be a human. And you also realize that you can almost always walk away.