I’ve slept a lot today. Slept in until 9am. Sat on the couch until 10:30. Went to a soccer game from 11-1. Laid on my bed for 10 minutes then got ready for a gig. Went to said gig from 2:20- 5:30. Ate until 6. Slept from 6-6:40. Okay, maybe not as much as I was expecting.
It is these moments/days when I feel so incredibly empty of value that I wonder how can I add value when I feel devoid of value. Empty of it. All used up of it. All of my value was spent. Either energizing myself to do the next thing. Or talking myself up until I could find the courage to do the thing.
It’s not that I’m not worthy. It’s that I don’t have the clarity of mind because the spiderwebs are all the of the reminders of times that I have failed. So, first I have to clean up the attic, and say to myself, these are just spiderwebs and not actually indicators of the value of the building. And then, I think the hope is that it will be easier to show up and do the things that I know I’m capable of.
But that is not actually the order of things. I show up even with the spiderwebs. And I think that is why I’m tired. Will the work push out the spiderwebs? I hope so.