I’m in such a luxurious state right now. My only (self-inflicted) job is to write and record. I get to do only that for the month of June….and I am doing just that. I just always want more from myself. Well actually, I’m usually satisfied if I put in about 12 hours of work in a day, but anything below that and I do feel like I’m wasting my life.
I’m trying to not inflict that guilt upon myself this summer. I’m trying to give myself the gift of living a life, (perhaps only working 8 hour days?), but there is a real fear that comes with that. If I don’t spend every moment working towards a goal, then I will have less time to figure out these huge hurdles, and perhaps never clear them. And it seems like such a small sacrifice: 4 extra hours in a day to leisure is something that feels like a recipe for anxiety.
I think this is what it feels like to be the product of an industrialist society. My value feels very connected to the work that I do, not just the work that I do but much more related to how much work I do.
But I actually don’t believe this to be true. My value does not fluctuate with the amount of work that I do. I think this creates dissonance: to believe something that is not reflected in the culture that surrounds me. It’s easier to believe the culture, but is it the most engaging way to live?